


Impulse Purchase

by CipherCifear



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Alternate Universe - Petstuck (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - Reverse Petstuck (Homestuck), Dehumanization, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grieving, Mentions of Character Death, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-16 12:09:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21507721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CipherCifear/pseuds/CipherCifear
Summary: Eridan, still pinning after his long dead moirail, is told by his kismesis, to go buy a pet and cheer himself the fuck up or she's dumping him.He goes to The Alternian Pet Corporation, not expecting to find anything worthy of his time and is shocked to find something that actually manages to break the ice over his heart, just a little bit.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora/Feferi Peixes (mentioned), Eridan Ampora/Vriska Serket (mentioned)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	Impulse Purchase

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy this cute little one shot of good feels.
> 
> I might write more. Getting the energy to do things is hard

**A History of Pet’s, by Khriis Magnol, Vice CEO of The Alterian Pet Corporation**

_Owning a Pet was a symbol of wealth and power. So naturally it was only possible for those of a better hue who could afford and acquire such high value creatures. It is the latest fad among the Alterian Elite and it doesn’t seem to be dying out any time soon._

_The problem was acquiring a Pet was quite difficult._

_Alterian conquest had a strict policy of culling almost all species with sentience that they came across. It wasn’t like they were in need of extra help, anything under jade would really fill the role of disposable aids (slaves), and with lusii brought into space and breed on special ships the Empire really had no use for non sentient species either. Conquest came down to cull, cultivate, and move on. No planet has ever been used for more than 200 sweeps and by then the resources were often gone._

_The second problem was at what age you acquired the species. Too old and it would still persist in attacking its superiors, clinging to a dream of freedom and resistance. No proper highblood would want a Pet that would act out in public, dragging their caste sign through the mud and humiliating them, so when the first attempts of Pets happened the results were less than stellar._

_Trolls quickly found out that securing a Pet too young would lead to its untimely death._

_It was also discovered that no one really wanted to purchase a creature that could not, on some level, take care of itself. Turns out no one wanted another lusus situation, the desire to look after a half feral creature had been burned out of most trolls growing up. Who knew!_

_So Pets thusly had to live short lives, around a rust to bronze age range, needed to be trainable and non animalistic, intelligent and obedient, and something actually worth showing off._

_Many thought the fad dead in the water until the species known as humans was discovered. The Church often claimed the finding of the species a miracle for the fad, the Alternian Pet Corporation (the company that later established control over the whole industry and trade marked the name and logo) has yet to make a statement in regards to these claims._

_It was discovered (on accident), that humans at a young age, between 1.38 and 2.77 sweeps old, were easy to train and quick to understand their place. Many found it adorable how the little things picked up random Alterian vocabulary, spouting out things like ‘Fork’ or ‘Cull’ without understanding the words (there are now several viral grubtube videos of such cases)._

_Though understanding how to create more resulted in several trials and error, The Alternian Pet Corporation eventually succeeded in breeding more of the species without the need for the original captured cargo. A thankful boon as many of the original producers of Pets were quite volatile and resistant to training and reconditioning._

_The planet that humans once resided on has long since been destroyed, as per Alterian Empire policy. It was no longer of value once the APC understood how to create more humans on their own._

_There are of course other species that the APC also sells under the label of Pets, but humans have become the most popular among the sold stock. The APC even boasts of Her Imperious Condescension owning one herself, purchased from the finest breeding stocks, and now one of her most prized accessories._

_Humans, depending on their age, skin color, training, and breeding capabilities, often retail for--_

“Orphaners culled nook! THAT’S--” Eridan stopped himself before he could embarrass himself further, nervously glancing around the Pet shop to see if he had drawn attention to himself. 

The two blue bloods looking over an odd shape shifting slime creature did not look up from their inspection and the clown in the corner was far too busy making silly faces at the small human behind the glass. The salestrolls had their gaze elsewhere and Eridan knew they were just pretending to not have heard his little outburst. His cheeks flushed a dark violet and quickly he stuffed the pamphlet back into the pile, moving away from the front desk in a subtle hurry.

He wasn’t sure what he was doing here to be honest. This had been Vris’s idea, one he had not been eager to go along with until she started bitching at him about getting over…. Getting over Fef.

His chest swelled, tightened, and for a moment it felt like he couldn’t breath. That his gills had been melted and his lips sewn shut. There was no air and he couldn’t focus.

Fef.

Dead Fef.

His former moirail.

His former red crush.

His…

Eridan took a breath and forced it down.

The air came back to him slowly and it was with great self loathing that he had to admit the spider bitch was right. He needed something to distract himself from the loss. It didn’t matter that it had been sweeps since her passing, nothing was cheering him up. Not his new commission, not the new large private block he acquired, not the medal of valor he’d received after becoming wounded in the last planet take over; nothing cheered Eridan Ampora up.

And apparently he was bumming out his kismesis to the point she was threatening to dump him so something had to change. He couldn’t afford to lose anyone else and most of his past friends and stopped talking to him once Conscription had come and past. Most of them were probably--

Eridan shook himself from his own head and moved on, hardly glancing at the various aliens he passed by.

None of them could replace her. He doubted any of these lower life forms could even distract him from the gaping hole in his heart.

The containment boxes they were held in left them enough room to stand and roll about, most of them held young human grubs, either playing or napping but a few held different breeds of aliens. Eridan didn’t want something that looked like a troll though, he wasn’t trying to replace her and he wouldn’t get some troll shaped creature to mock his pain.

So he passed by most of the boxes with humans in them, though he did stop for the briefest of seconds at one that held a human with bright orange eyes. The alien grub stared at him, those bright unsettling eyes unblinking, watching the highblood walk by him.

Eridan moved past that one quickly. He didn’t like how it stared straight through him.

The longer he browsed the shop, the more disenchanted with idea he became. None of these creatures were catching his eye. None of them seemed remotely worth having.

Yes he could afford them, he had been giving a nice bonus along with that medal, but none of these non-human Pets seemed worth his credits. He supposed he could just buy it and return it if the creature didn’t actually cheer him up but the corporation had a strict ‘store credit only’ policy.

Eridan was about to give up hope on the idea, maybe he could try another APC sponsored ship in a different sector of space in a sweep or two, when he caught sight of a pair of bright pink eyes.

At once he mistook them for Fef’s and turned to call out her name but what stood before him was a small human grub, face pressed up against the glass, tapping at it with a smile on its face to get his attention. The alien’s face lit up in delight, tapping on it harder to try and get the seadweller to approach. Without thought Eridan moved closer, kneeling down to get a better look at the Pet. It’s eyes, now that he properly to judge them, were the wrong shade of pink. A really wrong shade. A troll would be culled for having such a neon hue.

The little human, unaware of his thoughts, grinned at him, waddling away to grab a piece of paper and colored sketching utensil for grubs (a crayon), returning seconds later and sitting down in front of Eridan with a little ‘flop’. He watched it draw, uncoordinated hands failing to make any sort of straight line. He sat and watched it doodle out… erm…. He wasn’t actually sure. It was a mess of every color on the spectrum but when it was done it held the piece of paper up to him with a grand smile full of bright white teeth.

It was the worst piece of artwork he had ever seen.

But it smiled non the less, unaware that it was absolute shit at drawing, just pleased he was paying it any kind of attention.

“How much for this human here?” Eridan asked the teal blooded attendant, a store clerk assigned to follow him during the selection process (company policy after a few prize Pets had been stolen). What was her name again? Karren? Hether? Sarrah?

The teal, Eridan was pretty sure her name was Sarrah, looked at the cage number and scanned it on their grub pad, waiting a moment for the system to process the request before she responded.

“10,600,00 credits, not including vaccinations and tagging fees.”

“I thought it would have been more expensive.” Despite the eyes being too bright they were close to fuchsia. The human should have had a higher value on that alone. “Is it defective in someway?”

Sarrah suppressed a wince but it was clear from her hesitation that something about the human was off.

“Not… in the way you are thinking, Commander Ampora.” Her troll french tipped teal nails flashed across the datapad before she handed it over to Eridan. “The human female before you has a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, a trait the scienceterrorist have yet to breed out of the species as it isn’t visible or easy to catch. It is not something that really would affect her anyway so long as you do not give your Pet soporific drinks, something we already greatly discourage all owners from doing.”

Eridan skimmed the medical file before him, giving the clerk a dubious look like she was trying to tell him a poor joke. Who would be stupid enough to give their Pet alcohol? The look she gave him back said enough. Apparently highbloods were really stupid with their Pets if store clerks now had to advise against such actives.

“It would lower her breeding value as well since she is likely to pass the trait onto whatever child-”

“Child?”

“The term of a human grub, sir.”

“Oh. Well that doesn’t matter. I didn’t plan on breeding or any of that nonsense.” It honestly sounded like a hassle and too complicated for him. Apparently you need a pair of humans or some shit.

“Are you sure, Commander? The Alternian Pet Corporation has a great breeding program that allows you to continue the ‘noble’ line of your Pet. Should you purchase our program along with your Pet tonight you’d get a 45% discount on medical expenses and-”

“What part of, not interested aren’t you getting? I can spell it out for you, if your landdwelling ears aren’t working.” Eridan shot the teal an annoyed look. He wasn’t here for the long sell and he really couldn’t care less about making more alien grub baby things. “I just want this one.”

Oh gog what was he doing? He’d be spending about half his commission on this Pet alone, not counting any other supplies it needed. Maybe this was a bad idea...

“And will that be cash, credit, gold, or gems Commander Ampora?” Sarrah asked without missing a beat, holding out her hand for the tablet to be returned to her.

“Credit.” He handed the datagrub back. She must be used to customers ignoring her sales pitch, he figured. Either that or she had the patience of a sainted moirail.

“And with additional charges of vacations and tagging the total will be,” The teal paused. “10,634,50 credits. Will you also be spaying your Pet at this time?”

“Um…”

“We suggest spaying or neutering your pets around 8 to 9 sweeps old, but you are more than welcome to pay for it now and return to have the service done. Should you change your mind before they reach 7 sweeps we will refund you payment.”

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Throw that on too I guess.” He really had no idea what the process was and was too embarrassed to ask about it. He could just look it up later once back in his quarters.

“And that brings your total to 10,905,34 credits. Plus imperial tax. But we will throw in a perigee’s worth of free food and an instruction disc on how to train and feed your Pet.”

“How generous…” His voice was dripping with sarcasm but the teal ignored it as easily as she had done his first little outburst. 

“I’ll have one of our employees get her ready for you while we return to the front to finish up your purchase.” Her tone as happy and false as ever as she led him back to the front of the shop, making sure to take the long way back through all the accessories, toys, clothes, and other various nick-knacks.

Eridan had planned on leaving empty handed and yet here he stood at the counter, with one violet colored sleeping mattress, a large fluffy white fur blanket, two boxes of crayons, a coloring book, a bag of brightly colored treats, building blocks, diapers (he had been informed his human was bathroom broken but was still young and accidents happen), and a whole wardrobe of pink and purple dresses. 

Fef would have loved the dresses…

….

He should cancel his purchase. There was still time. They could put the human back and he could walk away now, never look back--

“Mr. Ampora.” Eridan was snapped from his own mind, looking over at the voice, trying to mask how dazed he felt. Sarrah, though now that he actually saw her name tag it read Fryine (how did he get that _so_ wrong?), stood before him with the child in her arms. “Your Pet is ready for you. Would you like to carry her out or shall we put her in a crate for you?”

“I…”

The human, who had been distracted trying to climb over the teals shoulders, was turned around to face him, her struggles stopping at once to stare at the seadweller with those big pink eyes of hers.

And she smiled.

She smiled and all Eridan could see was Feferi’s smile. See her innocence and naivety. Her hope and all her dreams. The humans teeth weren’t sharp and the grub--child- wore no lipstick, but when Eridan looked at her beaming face all he could feel was…. hope. 

“GoOd!” The human cried, trying to wiggle out of the clerks hands and over to him with a ferocity he never expected of something so small. “GOoD!”

“I think she wants you to hold her.” And without asking the teal deposited the child into Eridan's arms.

“Do they--” Eridan adjusted his hold on the small alien as she tried to grab his fins, snapping his teeth at her in warning when she tried it once more. The human yanked her fingers back with surprise, shrinking down into his arms, and for a second Eridan felt guilty about doing so. The creature didn’t understand troll responses, he shouldn’t lash out it like it was some lowblood trying to touch him. “Don’t do that. Bad human. Don’t touch. No touch. No. Understand?”

The squishy alien hesitated before nodding, sitting back up and this time admiring his fins from where he held her. Good. She must have understood one of those words it seemed. Training her would be a breeze.

“As I was saying,” Eridan continued, “Do these humans speak Alternian?”

“With training they are all able to understand basic commands but with proper care and handling they are able to fully comprehend our speech and even learn to speak it themselves, though their vocal cords make pronouncing certain vowels difficult.”

“Can they read?”

The clerk gave him a funny look and for a moment Eridan wanted to either hide behind the child in humiliation or tear the teals face off.

“Not unless you teach them?”

Right. He supposed that was a stupid question. No species was born knowing how to read after all. Gog why did he ask that when it was one Goorgle answer anyway? Idiot.

“Erm. Right.” He pushed past the awkward moment as best he could, averting his gaze to the rust bloods moving his purchases into a cargo box to be brought onboard the ship he was appointed to. “I’ll carry it- her- out.”

Sarra- gog damn it- Fryine gave him a half bow and left him alone with the jade behind the counter to complete his purchase.

Which apparently he could not complete without naming the damn thing.

“/I/ have to name it?”

“Yes sir.”

“Aint that a bit…” Eridan paused, fumbling for the right word.

“We get that question often sir. Pets are unable to name themselves as young trolls do. We have found it best for their owners to name them and create a bond with the Pet through the procese, think of it like a nickname for your lusus, if that helps you at all.” The male jade behind the counter gave him a pleasant smile and pulled out a thin electronic Igrub with random words and titles scrolling down the screen. “We have a list to aide you in the naming of your new Pet. Should you require the assistance, Commander.”

Eridan glanced at the screen and made a face.

The names were a shit as the childs drawing. Leaf Biter? Truffles? Sir Paleskin? These were terrible. Though not as pain inducing as the trollish names that appeared on screen. The pet wasn’t a troll and shouldn’t have a troll name.

But no creature alive should have the misfortune of names like these either… gog they were just…. Awful.

A part of him wanted to name her after Fef.

That part of him was stupid and Eridan mentally slapped himself for even considering such a thing.

It was of course at this moment that the little human in his hands decided to look at the Igrub pad for herself, wiggling around in his hands to lean out of them to try and grab at the screen. Eridan almost lost his grip on her, just barely managing to catch her before she could slipped and slammed her weak alien head onto the counter table.

“Stop that! I didn’t buy you so you’d accidentally cull yourself within five minutes of me buying you!” With a huff he got her back in his arms, grip much tighter on the wiggly little thing before.

“GoOd!” She pointed at the screen just as the name ‘Roxxii’ flew by. “GoOd!”

“No, that’s a iGrub.” She gave him a blank stare. His fins flick back in annoyance and Eridan pointed at the screen, speaking slowly and clearly so the grub- child- could understand him. “I. Grub. Igrub.”

“Eh…. Groob?”

“Igrub. IIIIIIIgrrrrruuuuuuuuub.” 

“Igroob?”

“Almost, you little wriggling monster. Igrub.”

“IeGruB!”

“... Close enough. Yes. Igrub. Good job, Roxxii.” Ugh no. Just saying the name out loud, pronouncing it like a troll name, sent a wave of nausea through him. He was not going to give an alien a troll name. 

Just. No.

“Roxy.” He amended.

“IeGruB Woxy!” She shrieked in delight, repeating the two words over and over with varying degrees of success.

Eridan found it rather endearing.

“I see you have picked a name then.” The Jade interrupted, typing away on his keyboard to update the registration information on the husktop before him. “Roxxii-”

“No.” Eridan gave the clerk a cold glare. “Roxy. You’re spelling it wrong.”

“Er. Yes. Roxy. My apologies Commander Ampora.” The shop clerk avoided eye contact with Eridan after the slip up, turning the monitor around for him to double check. “If everything is in order you can sign at the bottom and you’re free to take your new Pet hive.”

In practiced motions Eridan signed with neat curving penmanship, printed his caste sign next to his name, and left the store without another word; with an impulse purchase that just cost him more then half his bonus and who wouldn’t stop trying to move about his arms to look at the various things they passed by. 

She even tried to grab at a blue bloods horn that got too close. That had been an… almost disaster.

But every time he considered turning around and going back to the other ship and returning her, Roxy gave him that big smile with those bright pink eyes, and Eridan felt his worries get just a little bit lighter.

“Woxy!”

Eridan felt his lips quirk up into a sliver of a smile.

“Yes, that’s your name /R/oxy.” He over emphasized the ‘R’, hoping she would pick up on the tone.

“Woxy!”

Eridan sighed and shook his head as he stepped onto the elevator to take him to his private block. The Pet supplies should have arrived there before him. He’d put her down in front of the tv and unpack; distract her with a movie or something while he rearranged the whole block for his new purchase and looked up ‘how to make your new human say words properly’ on Goorgle.

She was not going to have a speech impediment like he had, Eridan fucking refused. She would pronounce words properly and she would do it with that adorable smile on her face, so help him bullshit clown messiahs.

“You’re lucky your adorable, you know that?”

“Woxy!”

“Yes, yes, Rrrrrroxy.”

“WOXY!”

Eridan had a feeling it was going to be a long sweep of training.

And found he didn’t really mind.


End file.
